Wanted- Cheerleaders, not coaches.

The end of December I took a leave of absence from my job as an activities director to manage some family needs. By the middle of January, I knew that the needs were more involved and that I wouldn't be returning to my job. This was  hard, yet the right choice.  It put me in a new position.  So many people find that they have too much stuff to do and not enough time, but for me all of a sudden I felt like I had all this time, but not enough stuff to keep me happily engaged.  Although I was needed at home, since all of my kids are in school I was often home alone- and yes, I could spend loads of time cooking and cleaning, I can tell you neither are my passion.  So I decided it would be a transformative year for me. I had desires to: use my girl power, become spiritually stronger, get healthier and overall become the best me possible.  Now a few months in- I can't say I've changed drastically, although I do feel like I've done little things in probably all of these categories, but mostly I've gotten busy wasting time or spending time on what isn't most important to me- it is so easy to do.  Anyhow the realization is that to accomplish the above goals it takes time- but more importantly a set plan.  So I've been thinking about the health issue- especially in regards to weight.  I've been processing through my life, and my story because I think you have to understand where you are and why before you can make changes.

So here goes- How did I get so fat???
Now listen, I don't consider that a negative statement, I'm not overly beating myself up, but the truth is I'm not only fat, I'm obese.  I don't believe being obese means you can't be beautiful, but what I know for myself is that being so overweight limits me- and I don't like to be limited. And I don't necessarily mean the limits you put on yourself, because I think many overweight people limit themselves. Growing up I felt like my mom often didn't want to take us swimming because she didn't want to get in a swimsuit- I have really tried to not live like that- I have put on a swimming suit to take my kids to water parks, snorkeling at Disney and more.  And now I have to say my mom swims on a regular basis. However, I do feel limits and one of the biggest for me is when planning trips or activities wondering or worrying if I will be to overweight to do something- for example before going to Disney I did a lot of research about fitting into rides and such- now thankfully Disney is a size friendly theme park and I didn't have any problems, however wondering about it did cause me worry that I can really do without.  Am I too heavy for a Segway tour, too heavy for sky diving, for horseback riding.  I love doing things and I hate worrying about if I will be able to.  Will I have to set out an activity while I send my husband and kids to participate- that sounds sad.  So I have to say once upon a time I wish I had a list of all the activities I would like to do and a maximum weight allowed to do such things- of course I never knew I needed a list, because I never knew that I would be where I am now. I also feel like I don't feel mentally or spiritually as well when I am so overweight. It limits what I do, because although I try not to feel self -conscious , sometimes you just do.  I also know my body is a gift from God, and that I am expected to care for it well and that when I don't, spiritually I suffer.

So back to HOW did I get so fat?
Genetics and lifestyle- the early years. Both of my parents spent a lot of my childhood being overweight.  My dad and mom were both short as well- and when you're short, there is just less space for those calories to go.  We didn't have packaged, processed food, but we did have probably a meat and potatoes mentality, although vegetables and fruit were available as well. Also lots of homemade goodies such as pies and cookies.  Healthy habits weren't really talked about.  I know I over ate then but at the same time we put in so much physical labor that it probably balanced out to allow me to be around a size 10-12 during my high school years. My dad encouraged badminton, horseshoes and ping pong as active fun.

A misunderstanding of religious teachings?- I remember all these lessons about vanity and how it was wrong and that you shouldn't be so concerned about how you look, as well as the importance of not judging others on the way they look- and somehow I got it in my head that it was wrong to care or worry about how you looked.  I know we also had lessons on healthy eating and the Word of Wisdom, which then mostly seemed like a list of "Don'ts", but I feel like it was the anti- vanity lessons that stuck.  And I agree you shouldn't judge others on how they look, but there is nothing wrong and actually something right with wanting to look nice. And in reality the church teaches to care for our body- but my teenage brain got everything a little skewed.

Marriage and Life- Early on in our marriage I got down to one of my lowest adult weights of around 125.  I think I was able to do that then for a few reasons- we couldn't really afford eating out or buying many extra treats, our life was simpler- just two people and time to really plan out meals and count calories. I gained a lot of weight with our first child, but was able to lose it.  However after our second child was born, and basically from then on, I've been gaining weight. Yes sometimes with a loss and regain thrown in.  I'm not sure if I was always a stress eater or became one or that it was just noticeable because all of the sudden I had a lot more stress, but I would definitely say I am a stress eater. I have recognized this, but haven't yet learned how to do this differently.  I think I need to do 2 things- learn to get stressed less, but then also learn to substitute something else to do when I am stressed. So as well as being a stress eater, there are many other things I do wrong and some things I do right. 

My goal now is to set goals to start incorporating healthy habits and to find time to really focus on what I need to do. Time to really think about the steps to take.  I'm not on a lose 100 lbs by next year plan or triple the exercise plan or only eat veggies plan, I just want to mentally feel well, physically feel well and eventually get to a point where I don't have this nagging worry over my head of "will I be able to do that", I have every intention of  spending a lot of fun time with my family as I age. Right this minute I don't know exactly what goal or goals I'm going to work on first, although I have started a list of ideas. I'm going to talk to Richard tonight and discuss this, maybe we will do this together or even choose our own healthy habit to start on, but be able to support each other.
I' m happy to have cheerleaders on my journey, more than coaches right now- if I have learned anything it is that sometimes ( all the time?) you have to choose what works for you and ditch everyone else's "you shoulds", but feel free to become a cheerleader on my team!

And so it goes...

Reading Now- "Everything I Never Told You" by Celeste Ng and "Half the Sky" by Nicholas D.Kristoff and Sheryl WuDunn

Recently Read- "1984" by George Orwell- thought provoking
"Longbourne" by  Jo Baker- a fun read showing another side of  "Pride and Prejudice"
"The Light Between Oceans" by  M.L.Stedman- Great story! A page turner except for the fact that you don't want it to end!